finding you
by charliesangles24
Summary: stefan leaves heartbroken, but is intent on finding the cure and himself
1. Chapter 1

_**Finding you**_

_**There hasn't being much stelena goodness on tvd lately. So I'll have to write it here instead. Starts off from 4.07.**_

_Chapter 1_

Stefan walks into the garage, staring at his old red porsche. He could take it, or leave it. It stays he decides. Its always being here. Beside why would he want to drive around in something that only reminds him of her. His head hurts, his eyes, his gums. Voices filling his head, apart of him wishes he had never returned after the summer, but how did he know it would lead to this? He pulls the dust sheet to cover the car. Settling it in darkness, ironic that's how he feels. And how easy it would be to let himself give into the darkness. Elena, sired to Damon why does it surprise him? Really it doesn't, it just strengthens whatever they were before. The witch in new Orleans confirmed everything he'd already suspected. Elena had feelings for Damon, strong feelings. And he's being stupid and naive enough to believe that Damon loved her the way he did, and would set her free, but he hadn't. And then the worst part, Caroline confirming his biggest fear. That they were together in every way a couple should be. That line had being crossed, hell they were so far past the line they couldn't even see it anymore.

It was true Elena was different once turning and now they knew why, she only had one purpose, to make Damon happy, and this was something they had to do, together. So that when the bond was broken Elena could make her choice. But the choice would destroy him and Damon. Elena had to realize her feelings accept them, and decide what she wanted. And has much has he loves her, he loves Damon too. Finally Damon is letting his humanity in, he's changed and its because of Elena. So he needs to leave, because he's selfish and can't stand to be around them. Which is again ironic, seen as though when Damon was going to leave he didn't want him too. He wouldn't have had anyway. Elena isn't Katherine, but is in a way, but how things have turned out was never her intention.

So he's going to set out and work on finding the cure, once the bond is broken Elena can decide on more than one situation, and he loves her, and knows her to know, that this isn't the life for her. She's happy right now, because Damon likes it. Which he would she even reminds me more of Katherine like this. Which i also need to think if Damon was ever sired to Katherine. He isn't now, but was he ever? if so how did it stop? '_Elena'_ the little voice probes in my mind.

I'll ring Caroline once am gone, she'll be mad and i hate leaving her like this. But hopefully she'll understand. I've already told Klaus about going to look for a new hunter. Am going to Italy, where they last meet some hunters. I run up to my room and look around, there's the picture of me and Elena. Kissing her face i turn the picture over, picking up my bag i close the door behind me, i don't plan on coming back for a while.

I hear Damon behind me in the entrance hall. Eyeing my bag, he gulps back his whisky.

"_still bedding down at blondies?"_

"_no"_

"_oh...so"_

"_i was hoping not to see you, i thought if i did i would tear your face off but,,,,,am done Damon, with you and ...Elena. you two need to sort through whatever this is. But am not standing around to have my heart ripped out over and over. We've being here before, it didn't well then, i doubt this would be different. If you too really love each, then i want you to be happy, i really do, after all i love you two so i just want what's best for you both. Am leaving Damon, i won't be in touch for a while."_

"_stef..._

"_bye Damon"_

I move away, i can feel him grab blindly for me, so i run. And am running through the forest, heading towards the highway, heading away from mystic fall. And all the heartache that comes with it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

I'm sitting in a small cafe, drinking my coffee. Its being two days since i left mystic falls and arrived here, Calabria. South of Naples, a mountainous region. The sun is bright, making me have to wear shades, because it hurts my eyes more than usual. Trying to find a vampire hunter is going to be quite a mission. But i have time. Today is my 1st day out, I've spent the last two days holes up in my dingy apartment. I can't get Damon and Elena out of my mind, i want to let Elena off on the excuse she's sired, but...i think deep down she always had this pull to him. And when i think of them i think of 1864 all over again. 164 Damon has spent hating me, for turning him, which i admit i did push him into, but because i couldn't face this life without. But he made my life hell for what reason? That he came home and took a fancy to someone that i had already started some kind of relationship with. Of course that wasn't all Damon. But Damon wanted Katherine regardless. I wonder if i had not being compelled how would i have acted? Damon hated me, because Katherine turned me. It wasn't something i wanted. I didn't mean to transition. God knows that I've punished myself for such actions over the century, which only leads to worst actions.

Damon hated me, because father thought more of me than him, but if Damon hadn't have always done everything to rebel against him, but perhaps if he'd have tried then maybe it wouldn't have being the case. However how can he blame me again for something i couldn't control? Katherine wanting me too, Elena choosing me that night. Damon feels like nobody loves, that he's always second best, well then perhaps he shouldn't try to take what isn't his. DAMIT DAMON, I LOVE YOU I PUT YOU FIRST! But once Damon has something it tends never to be enough. I try to calm my breathing, as i can hear the waitress's foot prints approaching. And I'm hungry. My blood bags are starting to wear thin. And am angry, tired purely worn down. She leans over my shoulder, i can feel her smile and hear her heartbeat, in a way the heart beats when a person is attracted to someone/thing. How easy it would be to get her on her own and compel her and...

"_sir is everything ok? Can i get you anything else? A refill?"_

I wave my hand to dismiss her, "b_ill"_

I mange to bite out, she moves away, probably sensing something off about me, the smile is gone. My jaw aches, i need to hunt, throwing down more than enough to pay for the coffee, i head off.

3 hours later i enter my rented apartment, the only saving grace of this place is the balcony that overlooks the mountain range. Reminds me of the waterfall that i once took Elena too. The place where she told me she never wanted to be a vampire, i think of the first couple of weeks of turning how bad she took it. This isn't the life she's cut out for, and even if she does want Damon now and after at least it will be her choice, and hopefully Damon will love her enough to respect her wants and needs. I hate that everything reminds me of some way of the two people i love most. The two people who are now together. Did i do this? Did i push them together? Yes really, i left with Klaus to save Damon in i would never have asked for anything in return from Damon except to look after Elena, but then at that point i couldn't bear the monster that i had become again. So i never thought that i would let my humanity back in. But that's what Elena's love does to me, makes me want to be human to feel, everything. For her for me. Damon thought he understood the ripper, the truth is no one can. I try for so long to suppress the monster i am, to live has human, but then when i slip its never enough, like the bloodlust can never be filled. There is no ending for that other part of me, so i shut down and the monster overrides everything i am. I write my victims names down so i can live through the kill over and over, never feeling the pain, quilt or remorse. Because as a vampire those feelings cripple you. So the second i start to feel them it hurts in ways that are indescribable. The pain overwhelms me to the point that i could happily burn in the sun. I always had lexi to help, but every time i came back i knew I'd slip, Until Elena. Elena believed in me, helped me want my humanity, so even now as i feel like am slipping into a black hole i know more than anything that i never want to see that look on her face, that i never want to feel that out of control. That i don't want to be responsible for taking any more human life's. I hated myself the day i turned some random guy, given he was a murderer, and made Jeremy kill him. Hated the fact that i was pushing Jeremy, for what something am not sure Elena even wants now? Sometimes i know am worse than Damon. Because Damon kills on impulse, lashes out. Me i plot and device, the difference is Damon doesn't think of others, his mind has a one target purpose. And how to get there doesn't really matter. Emily Bennet once said i have a pure heart, that would be my curse, she wasn't bloody kidding either. Even when it comes to Damon, the thought of him near Elena makes me want to destroy everything around me, but then this part of me feels like Damon changed, he isn't so one closed minded or shut off anymore. Its what i wanted, for Damon to be happy. To have him as my brother again.

I think of new Orleans, his confession of wanting to come to Egypt with me, of feeling lonely and wanting to be with me, but giving up for my sake. Of other selfless acts he's done for me. Damon has changed, and so did Elena, not just becoming a vampire, before too. I hear my cell phone ring, i can't remember where i put it, listening closely i realize its in the dresser draw. iSeeing Caroline's name on the screen, sighing i press the end call button. Then turn it before placing it back in the draw, shutting it. Caroline is mad, when i landed in Italy i had 32 missed calls and voice mails off her. She's rung 3 times a day since don't answer. Her voice mails have ranged from disbelief, anger, pity, sadness, some pleading and begging. I sent her 1 text when i landed, "_i had to this Caroline, i can't be around them. I have to find the cure for her, hell maybe even for me. I'll ring soon."_

And there's the truth of it i suppose, i want to find the cure for Elena, because am guilty. I let her die, following her orders, her wishes. I should have saved her. But i knew she wouldn't have lived with herself if matt had died. Someone else she loves gone. And that's what Damon doesn't get. The core of Elena, is how much she loves those around her. That every time she loses someone else, linked to her, she dies a little bit more inside. I want to break the sire bond, not so Elena comes back to me, because honestly after what the witch said in new Orleans, about having human feelings before turning am not sure that Elena loves me the way i love her. But for Damon, because if the bond isn't broken he'll never know if what Elena feels is real or not, and so can never be truly happy. And if i have to let Elena go, for someone else, my brother than i have to know its because its what makes them happy. And not some spell binding me.

I also have to do it for myself, because i would take the cure for myself if it meant a human life with Elena. And i wouldn't if she now decides she wants to stay a vampire, and we find our way back to each other. But if Elena decides that she wants Damon, then i have to find a new purpose in my existence. So would i take the cure and be human, realising myself from the constant urge to give into the bloodlust. Would i damn myself to an eternity knowing the love of my life loves my brother more? If i was human would i find someone else? I don't think i could as a vampire, having already felt this way about someone. But human emotions dim, so in time maybe i could still have a normal happy human life?

i


End file.
